Würde das jemand für mich gegenlesen?

[shanghaispinner]

Hallo Leute,
ich bin neu im Forum. Ich plane zur Zeit einen Auslandsaufenthalt in Hong Kong und habe dafür einen 3-seitigen Essay über meine Beweggründe zu schreiben. Mir ist die Sache sehr wichtig und das Auslandssemester ist von immenser Bedeutung für meine zukünftige berufliche Laufbahn. Deshalb möchte ich einen tadellosen Text abgeben. Es wär wirklich super, wenn mal jemand über meinen ersten Teil drüberschauen könnte!! Vielen Dank vorab!


In this Essay I want to explain you why I am keen to study in one of the biggest and most dynamic markets of the world.

1.1 Expectations from my study abroad with regard to my academic developemend

With the proceeding industrialization, Asia is getting more and more important. Therefore, an insight into the Asian culture and way of operating would be most interesting to me as a student focusing on logistics and production, and I would greatly benefit from this international experience still during my study period with regard to my professional orientation.
Subsequent to my studies I am going to do a Master of Business Administration as an additional academic degree, to widen my competence besides the field of logsitics and to qualitfy for international leading positions in the general management.
It is important for me to bridge the gap between the European culture and the East Asia culture, in order to interact between the cultures in my future career. Due to the fact, that my mother is German and my father Chinese, I am already belong to both cultures. The experience and the combination of different ways of thinking and points of view will help to not only tolerate our differences, but appreciate them. The studies at the *********** are a great opportunity to get in contact to ambitioned students from my and other fields to build up an international network.
Unlike the TU ******* which is more focused on engineering aspects of logistics, especially the renowned PolyU is covering both engineering and management aspects of logistics. So I could widen my knowlegde and abilitys with regard to my future career by choosing subjects like „Management Science“, „Management and Organisation“, „Business Process Management“ and „Personal Skills Development“. As well as „China Studies“ with regard to cultural appreciation and „Putonghua for Business & Administration“ to improve the ability of cultural interaction.
In addition, i am going to do a student research project in a four month stay in ******. The work is in cooperation with the ******** Institute and the ********* University. The following semester abroad in ********** would give me the opportunity to get more and deeper insights into the Asian culture. This would make this experience way more intensive and because of that more valueable form my personal developement.

1.2 Expectations from my study abroad with regard to my personal developemend

With regard to my personal development, the main focus to me is the cultural interchange in terms of international understanding. Therefore it is important, to be aware of a certain ambassadorcharacter. Such an experience enhances the cutback of ethnocentrism, which means the tendency to judge fellow men by his own lifestyle. This must be positive when dealing with intercultural contacts.
Furthermore I expect an improvement in factors of personal developement and social competence like the ability to self-critism. Because of different points of view and the new impressions, I will have the chance to reflect about familiar things.
I am absolutely aware that I am on my own while I study abroad. The fact, that I am disengaged from the familiar environment at home, will strengthen the feasibility, the ability and the willingness, to bear responsibility for my own acting. So I expect a positive effect on my personal responsibility.
The intensive use of the English language spoken and written, and the opportunity to speak Chinese every day, will let me increase my personal language skills. I think this step is the logic consequence to demount language barriers and acquire extended language skills.
Finally I expect a not substitutable experience by handling totally different situations far away from home, more cultural appreciation and interaction and a big step in my academic qualification by increasing key potentials like flexibility, the ability to communicate and fluency in English and Chinese.

[Delfino]

In this essay I am going to explain why I am very keen to study at Xyz University
in Hong Kong, one of the biggest and most dynamic markets of the world.

du studierst doch bestimmt an einer Hochschule und nicht im Markt...

1.1 Expectations from my study abroad with regard to my academic development

The proceeding industrialisation in Asia increases the importance of this area for the global economy.
Therefore, an insight into the Asian culture and their way of operating would be most interesting to me
as a student of economy with a focus on logistics and production. I think, my studies and my later career
would benefit grealy from gaining international experience early.

Subsequent to my studies for my Bachelor degree I am going to earn a Master degree in Business Administration
at Xyz University. This additional academic degree will help me to widen my horizon and to gain the qualification for
leading management positions in international companies.

It is important for me to bridge the gap between the European culture and the East Asia culture.
In order to interact with people from both cultures in my future career.
I already belong to both cultures, because my father is Chinese and my mother is German.
I appreciate my origin, which allowed me already to experience first hand the combination
of different ways of thinking and the tolerance needed to respect other points of view.
The studies at the Xyz University are a great opportunity for me to get in touch with other ambitioned students
from my field and other areas to build an international network.

The TU Xyz is more focused on engineering aspects of logistics, but especially the renowned PolyU (?)
is covering both engineering and management aspects of logistics. So I'd like to increase my knowledge and skills
with regard to my future career by choosing subjects like „Management Science“, „Management and Organisation“,
„Business Process Management“ and „Personal Skills Development“. As well as „China Studies“ with regard to
cultural appreciation and „Putonghua for Business & Administration“ to improve the ability of cultural interaction.
In addition, I am going to do a student research project during a four month stay in Xyz.
This work will be done in cooperation with the Xyz Institute and the Xyz University.
The following semester abroad in Xyz would give me the opportunity to get even more and deeper insights
into the Asian culture, which would make this experience much more intensive and because of that
more valueable for my personal development.

1.2 Expectations from my study abroad with regard to my personal development

The main advantage for my personal development is the cultural exchange,
which will lead to a better understanding of the Asian mindset. During my time there
I will try to immerge myself into the Asian culture. I can imagine that such an experience
reduces the rather common initial ethnocentrism, which means the tendency to judge a fellow men
by his lifestyle. I am always aiming for a positive impression on both sides especially
when dealing with people of different cultural backgrounds. I think, it is very important
to be aware of a certain ambassador character in such situations.

Furthermore I expect an improvement of my social competence and an increased ability to self-critism.
I will have the chance to reflect upon some familiar things because I will be exposed to
many different points of view and other new impressions. I like the fact that I am going to be on my own
while I study abroad. The distance to my familiar environment at home will strengthen my ability to act
independently and responsibly in new situations. I also expect a positive effect on my personal language skills
due to intensive use of the English language and the opportunity to speak Chinese every day.
I think, it is is a good chance to acquire extended language skills and thereby overcome language barriers.

Finally I expect to gain many irreplaceable experiences by handling new situations far away from home,
a deeper cultural understanding, a big step forward in my academic qualification and the increase of
key skills like flexibility, the ability to communicate more fluenty in English and Chinese.

__________________________________________________________________________________________
- verwende kürzere Sätze...
- vermeide die wörtliche Übersetzung eines deutschen Entwurfs (Satzbau, Ausdrücke, Redewendungen...)
- vermeide Sätze, die durch das Lesen zwischen den Zeilen negativ interpretiert werden könnten
z.B. erweckt deine Formulierung im 2. Teil den Eindruck,
dass du in der Vergangenheit nicht die Verantwortung für deine Taten übernommen hast etc. ...

Good luck!

[shanghaispinner]

Vielen lieben Dank! Das hat mir sehr sehr sehr geholfen!!!
Ich weiß die Mühe sehr zu schätzen und versuche die Ratschläge für die nächsten Texte anzunehmen. Leider habe ich den zweiten Teil der Bewerbung schon vorher fertiggestellt und gepostet
Ich hoffe ich bekomme da auch noch ein wenig Hilfe mit.

Viele Grüße