Letter of motivation (business school)

[lazyworkaholic]

Hello, I am currently writing my letter of motivation for a (not the) European business school and could need some help with grammar and sentence constructions. I think my sentences are often way too long and complicated but it's hard for me to write them short with the same information. I am also a little bit confused about punctuation marks "," and where to use them in English language compared to German.

Here's the first part of my draft.



Dear Madam or Sir,

herby I would like to apply for the Bachelor's programme in International Business at XYZ Business School.

After my graduation from high school in 2006, I have worked 11 months at the 'Versorgungsanstalt des Bundes und der Länder', the German governmental annuity insurance agency, in Karlsruhe, Germany. My objectives and responsibilities in this full-time occupation have been mainly in the domain of data administration and maintenance. I took on this job offer in order to be able to finance my journey to the United States of America, where I attended the St. Giles International language school in San Francisco. I participated several weeks in a full-day intensive course for General English and a second course in Business English. I can certainly say that I have benefited greatly from my time in St. Giles. Not only did I improve my English proficiency but I also gained a lot of self-confidence in speaking fluent English in every day life and do not feel inhibited at all. Moreover the daily interaction and exchange with truly international students and the diverse mix of students at St. Giles have broadend my horizons. My Business English class consisted of head of department managers of IBM from Germany, entrepreneurs from France as well as language students from South Korea, Japan, Spain, Italy and the Swiss. This athmosphere and the fun I had exchanging my ideas with them has motivated me to and seek out(?) / pursue(?) a career in international business. Therefore I successfully applied for the Bachelor's programme in International Business at YYY University, in the Netherlands and was admitted to one of their limited places. During the two months after my return from the United States and the beginning of my academic year at the university, I did a six week internship at the sales department of the XYZ Group, one of Germany's leading automotive manufacturing suppliers. Among other objectives I was responsible for obtaining important Quality Management Certificates of all their global business partners(?) and suppliers. Together with another business student from Miami, Florida, I was able to get an „overview“(?) of business-to-business transactions, procurement, controlling and just-in-time manufacturing in general.

This is only the first part of it. I am still writing the second part which I will post later.

Thank you in advance.