Letter of motivation - korrektur?

[Sarah112]

Hallo ,
ich habe gerade ein kurzes Bewerbungsschreiben für ein Hotelpraktikum in San Diego fertig gestellt und wollte fragen, ob vielleicht mal jemand darüber schauen kann? Sollte ja möglichst perfekt sein - als erster Eindruck!
Vielen Dank im Voraus .


Dear Madam or Sir,

Currently I am a student at the ***-Gymnasium, Germany and will graduate in July 2009 with an approximate average grade of 2.2 (out of a scale of 1-6, 1 being the best). My major subjects are German, Mathematics, English, Spanish and History. Before starting my studies in hospitality management at the ***-University of Applied Sciences, Germany, I would like to spend some months working in a hotel in order to gain some valuable insight in this exciting area and would like to apply for an internship of 5-6 months starting in August 2009.

Since I am a little child, I dream of working in a hotel. My family and I travelled a lot to foreign countries and I consequently got to know different hotel groups. In my opinion service is one of the most important parts in the hotel business. Unfortunately I experienced that many groups have shortcomings in this section. That’s the reason why I want to be a part of the Marriott group and I think with my friendliness, my openness to experience and my reliability I would perfectly fit in. Besides, I love to meet new people, to overcome challenges, to take responsibility and feel comfortable both working within a team and on individual tasks.

At the moment I am organizing our prom and graduation night at school which helps me to gain some experience in event management.
Furthermore, I am taking lessons in psychology because I am interested in people’s thoughts, people in general and I love to help them no matter what. That’s why I am also a mentor for a class at my school and enjoy spending time with them.
During a social practical course at my school I also learned listening to people’s problems in a senior citizen center.
With German as my native language, English and Spanish as my major subjects in school and basic knowledge in French, I would be able to communicate with almost every guest.

I am interested in different cultures and would therefore love to get the chance to work in the United States, preferably in San Diego as I think hotels in big cities are very interesting because tourists as well as businessmen stay at the hotel. Besides, San Diego combines many different cultures with its proximity to the Mexican border.

I would be a bright, hard-working, outgoing and reliable intern. An internship with you is of great interest to me and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,
(name)

[Kliapatra]

Dear Madam or Sir,

Currently I am a student at the ***-Gymnasium, Germany and will graduate in July 2009 with an approximate average grade of 2.2 (on a scale of 1-6, 1 being the best). My major subjects are German, Mathematics, English, Spanish and History. Before starting my studies in hospitality management at the ***-University of Applied Sciences, Germany, I would like to spend a few months working in a hotel in order to gain some valuable insight in this exciting area and would like to apply for an internship of 5-6 months starting in August 2009.

Since I was a little child, I dreamed of working in a hotel. My family and I travelled a lot to foreign countries and I, consequently, got to know different hotel groups. In my opinion, service is one of the most important parts in the hotel business. Unfortunately, I experienced that many groups have shortcomings in this section. That’s the reason why I want to be a part of the Marriott group, and I think with my friendliness, my openness to experience, and my reliability, I would perfectly fit in. Besides, I love to meet new people, to overcome challenges, to take responsibility and feel comfortable both working within a team and on individual tasks.

At the moment I am organizing our prom and graduation night at school, which helps me to gain some experience in event management.
Furthermore, I am taking lessons in psychology because I am interested in people’s thoughts, as well as people in general, and I love to help them no matter what. That’s why I am also a mentor for a class at my school and enjoy spending time with them.
During a social practical course at my school I also learned to listen to people’s problems in a senior citizen center.
With German as my native language, English and Spanish as my major subjects in school and basic knowledge in French, I would be able to communicate with almost every guest.

I am interested in different cultures and would therefore love to get the chance to work in the United States, preferably in San Diego as I think hotels in big cities are very interesting, because tourists, as well as businessmen, stay at the hotel. Besides, San Diego combines many different cultures with its proximity to the Mexican border.

I would be a bright, hard-working, outgoing and reliable intern. An internship with you is of great interest to me, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,
(name)

Ausgezeichnet. (: Ich würde dich mieten.

[Keswick]

Kliapatra, may I be so bold and let you know that the German word "mieten" is only used for vehicles and properties. In this context the word "anstellen" would be correct .

[Sarah112]

haha thanks so much!!!

[Kliapatra]

Haha, thanks, Keswick. That's what my signature is for.

[Keswick]

Yes that's why I thought I let you know. By the way "einstellen" would be an option, too.

[Sarah112]

Ich meld mich noch mal zu wort und wollte fragen, ob du dir sicher bist, mit den ganzen Kommata? Irgendwie bringen uns die Lehrer immer bei, möglichst wenige Kommata im Englischen zu verwenden?!

[Keswick]

Das Englische hat ebenso Kommaregeln wie das Deutsche. Also insofern dein Lehrer nicht begruenden kann, wo man Kommas braucht und wo nicht, solltest du dich an die englischen Kommregeln halten.

[Sarah112]

Ja natürlich .
Ich wollte nur noch mal wissen, ob wirklich ÜBERALL, wo kliapatra es verbessert hat, auch kommata hingehören .