need help - english comment

[novize]

Ich muss mich unbedingt im Fach Englisch verbessern. Als nächste Aufgabe [ evtl. Klausur ] steht ein comment an. Als Übung habe ich nachfolgend mal einen comment über das „intelligent home“ fabriziert. Rechnergestütztes Haushaltsmanagement ... usw. In der zu kommentierenden Geschichte wird die Unterstützung [ aktueller Standard und ein wenig Sci-Fi beschrieben] durch ein Computerprogramm beschreiben.
Könnt Ihr mir bitte im folgenden Kommentar bei den folgenden Punkten helfen.
- strukturelle Fehler / Tipps
- gebräuchliche Formulierungen / Ausdruck
- grammar


Is the intelligent home a desirable or a terrible place to live?
The computer program offers more comfortable living and in any situation there is a guide, who will take care of you. The guide will support you in the daily traffic, manage your housework, administer and take care of the necessary foodstuff in the fridge. Furthermore it can support you well with organizer- and database-funktions. It sounds like there are only pros.
However, we have to mention that for all these features large amount of energy will be needed. We have to ask ourselve: Do we want all the comfort and the safety at the price of a polluted and exhausted Planet Earth. My answer would be no!

[Josh]

Ich muss mich unbedingt im Fach Englisch verbessern. Als nächste Aufgabe [ evtl. Klausur ] steht ein comment an. Als Übung habe ich nachfolgend mal einen comment über das „intelligent home“ fabriziert. Rechnergestütztes Haushaltsmanagement ... usw. In der zu kommentierenden Geschichte wird die Unterstützung [ aktueller Standard und ein wenig Sci-Fi beschrieben] durch ein Computerprogramm beschreiben.
Könnt Ihr mir bitte im folgenden Kommentar bei den folgenden Punkten helfen.
- strukturelle Fehler / Tipps
- gebräuchliche Formulierungen / Ausdruck
- grammar


Is the "intelligent home" a (rather) desirable or a terrible place to live in?
The computer program offers a more comfortable living and in any situation there is a guide, who will take care of you. The guide will support you in (the) daily traffic, manage your housework, administer and take care of the necessary foodstuff in the (your?) fridge. Furthermore it can support you well with organizer- and database-functions. It sounds like there are only pros (better: advantages).
However, we have to mention that for all these features large amounts of energy will be needed. We have to ask ourselves: Do we want all the comfort and the safety at for the price of a polluted and exhausted Planet Earth? My answer would be no!

So far so good.
I could understand everything and your mistakes where rather small ones.

[novize]

So far so good.
I could understand everything and your mistakes where rather small ones.

Hi Josh!

Vielen Dank!! Werde später einen weiteren comment hier posten. Als Übung habe ich mal einige Berichte aus den BBC-News kommentiert, doch leider habe ich niemanden der mir kompetent unter die Arme greifen kann - also wäre super, wenn Du nochmal Zeit hättest.

Grüße, und nochmals vielen Dank!
Ralf

[Josh]

Your welcome.

It's my pleasure to help you. But by the way... I'm neither an Englishteacher nor a native speaker, I just love to deal with the language either on paper or languagewise. So I can't really promise that my English is faultless. Actually often my stomach is the one who descides, whether something is right or not. It's the feeling that guides me.

To describe me as compentent would be an exeggeration, but I try my best to help.

Keep it coming.

Kind regards,
Josh

[novize]

Your welcome.
It's my pleasure to help you. But by the way...

nice and sympathic point of view!

.... Actually often my stomach is the one who descides, whether something is right or not. It's the feeling that guides me.

I wish i come to this point at once, because my stomach is much bigger than my brain.

Keep it coming.

ok, here it comes! My comment deals with the BBC-article here "can post the link. i put it in a private message!
COMMENT = Fuel cell cars!

This comment deals with the market launch of hybrid- and fuel cell vehicles. For this purpose GENERAL MOTORS [ GM ] will put more than 100 of these vehicles initially in the hands of celebrities, policymakers, military and other influentials. There are many reasons for this technology. As important as necessary is to reduce the pollution immediately. This car-concept with meanly water vapor exhaust is an optimal way to counteract.
Another significant point is that the dealer will develop a requirement profile for your individual purpose to assure that the customer get the optimum vehicle. Furthermore todays hybrid cars either generate electricity using the petrol engine or during braking by using the motor as a generator. Moreover in the future there will be develop more efficient batteries so that you can easily plugged in your car over night and recharge the batteries.
It is important to mention that we have to make a change in the worldwide gradual pollution. I should like to repeat once again that this concept has to put into practice.
I should like to emphasize that on the hype the cons will been forgotten and I would just like to add, that the generation of electric energy and the production of batteries and cars also produce harmful substances and boost the greenhouse effect. Weighing the pros and cons, I come to the conclusion that the fuel cell vehicle / hybrid car is an absolutely must.

[Josh]

Piuuuhhh... ok here we go...

This comment deals with the market launch of hybrid- and fuel cell vehicles. For this purpose GENERAL MOTORS [ GM ] will put more than 100 of these vehicles initially (also: for the time being) into the hands of celebrities, policymakers, military and other influentials forces/circles. There are many reasons for this technology. As important as necessary is to reduce the pollution immediately. This car-concept with meanly (did you mean: mainly?) water vapor exhaust is an optimal way to counteract.
Another significant point is that the dealer will develop a requirement profile for your individual purpose to assure that the customer gets the optimum vehicle. Furthermore todays hybrid cars either generate electricity (by) using the petrol engine or during while braking (or: during brake application) by using the motor as a generator. Moreover in the future there will be develop more efficient batteries will be developed so (that) you can easily plugged plug in your car over night and recharge the batteries. (or also: [...] easily plug your car in the power supply and [...])
It is important to mention that we have to make a change in the worldwide gradual pollution. I should like to repeat once again that this concept has to be put into practice.
I should also like to emphasize that on the hype the cons will been forgotten and I would just like to add, that the generation of electric energy and the production of batteries and cars also produce harmful substances and boost the greenhouse effect. Weighing the pros and cons, I come to the conclusion that the fuel cell vehicle / hybrid car is an absolutely must.

Wow, that was strong meat. There were again only some minor mistakes.
The only thing I noticed is that you should keep an eye on the correct use of tenses. You can't combine "will" (future) and "been" (present perfect). Well, maybe you can, but most definately not in this context. Even if, there would have been missing a "have" before the "been". I don't even know whether this last "would-have-been-missing..."-sentence was correct. Plese correct me, if...
Furthermore you should look at the verb-endings: Either "The customers get the optimum vehicle" or "The customer gets the optimum vehicle". But I guess that was an error made in haste, a slip of the pen.

I liked your comment though. This is the ideal way for me to improve my feel for language and also to learn new vocabs. There quite a few words in your text I didn't know.

Hope I could help you! If there's more... keep it coming. As long I got time, I'm up for everything.

Kind regards,
Josh

[novize]

I liked your comment though. This is the ideal way for me to improve my feel for language and also to learn new vocabs. There quite a few words in your text I didn't know.

Hope I could help you! If there's more... keep it coming. As long I got time, I'm up for everything.
Josh

Hi Josh!

Thank you for correcting my text. As you see, i have to practice a lot more. i'm not really familiar with some fundamental grammar, like tenses "future" and especially prepositions. so i'm on the way to prepare myself for the next english test. I hope you can spare some further minutes, because i be working on the next comment.

Thanks in advance and kind regards!
Ralf

[novize]

... so one more comment and i can also post the LINKs where my comments based on. So if there is further on time with you, maybe you can evaluate the structure, because the introduction is always hard work for me.

Thanks in advance and kind regards!
Ralf

[Josh]

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you for correcting my text. As you see, i have to practice a lot more. i'm not really familiar with some fundamental grammar, like tenses "future" and especially prepositions. so i'm on the way to prepare myself for the next english test. I hope you can spare some further minutes, because i be am working on the next comment.

i can also post the LINKs to the texts wheremy comments are based on

So if there is further on time with you If you continue to have time