English Jokes

[Bene]

Hello Ulrike!

Yes, you're right. I like jokes. But I prefer english jokes to jokes in german because I find it very exciting because I don't know whether I'll unterstand the gag or not.

Here another amusing joke:

Teacher:"Jimmy, what is your favourite flower?"
Jimmy:"Chrysanthemums."
Teacher:"Spell it, Jimmy."
Jimmy:"I changed my mind, teacher. I like roses better."

regards
Bene

[Gast]

Hi Bene,

what a strange opinion.... .

I think English jokes have a different kind of humor compared to German ones. 8)

Do you like English literature?

CU Ulrike

[Bene]

Hello to Ulrike an all other readers,

I haven't recognised a difference between English and German jokes, yet. In which way do you think they're different? I know the claim that Britains have a "Black Humour". I think their jokes are maybe a bit more sarcastic. But I don't know what it means exactly! Do you know it?

This thread is having relatively many visitors. I'm convinced that English jokes can help to improve your English. For example: If you don't know the translation of "Ich habe meine Meinung geändert" you know it after you've read my last joke. And I always have a sense of achievement when I understand the gag of a joke.

I'm not a great fan of english books. I've started many books. I've finished no one. That's not really a good result. I prefer reading news magazines. I'm a enthusiastic subscriber to newsweek. It is really interesting. Every issue contains also a little cartoon. They are often very funny and serious at the same time. Now I want to describe my favourite cartoon: You see the planet MARS. Some cute aliens are sitting on a hill and watch the scene while a small vehicle is driving across the lanscape. The vehicle is the robot MarsRover which explore the planet. On the robot is a small flag of the United States. The aliens are scared. And on aliens says the others:"WE DON'T HAVE ANY OIL, DO WE?"

Bye for now
Bene

P.S If anybody discover a mistake, tell me please!

[Bene]

Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
A: You need an eggsplanation!

Happy Easter
Bene

[Gast]

Hi Bene,

I think this thread is just an entertaining one, but not really one to learn too much. Sorry. Compared to the hits it's funny why nobody else besides George, you and me state their jokes.

Yes, it's not easy to read English written books. You'd rather start reading books with a basic vocabulary and so on. Ask for them in a wide selected book shop.

BTW: a Happy Easter for you also

CU Ulrike

[Bene]

Hello!

Yes, you're right. Jokes are not suitable to learn a language, but in my opinion it could be a completion. Learning grammar and vocabulary could be very exhausting. Jokes can help not to lose the motivation.

Because of that, read my following comprehension jokes :

Donald:My canary died of 'flu
Dora:I didn't know canaries could get 'flu.
Donald:Mine flew into a car.

---

Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?

----

Yours sincerly
Bene

[Gast]

Hi Bene,

A completion? I guess it's a funny way to like English. 8)


CU Ulrike

[Bene]

Hello!

It seems that waiter jokes are in England as popular as in Germany:
---------
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
---------
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
----------
Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
-----------
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?
-----------

regards
Bene

[Bene]

Hello!

I've found some more jokes, which I think are worth mentioning:

A German customer is asking: "Can I become an egg?" The assistant rolls on the floor laughing: "I don't know if you can, but I certainly wouldn't like to become one! The streets are so hard these days!" The customer seems very puzzled. The assistant: "I mean if you fall down!".

A: I began business of my own. I had absolutely nothing but my intelligence.
B: That sure was a small beginning.

regards
Bene

[nimloth]

A joke,taken from a chocolate bar wrapper.(Penguin,the best chocolates bars in the whole wide world..I want to go back to England!Next time I'm there,I will buy loads of them..)

Who ist the chief of the hankies?

...think



The handkerchief. 8)

[trici]

The todays sticks and stones childrens games?

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say 'hell" and you say "ass."
"OK", the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The Mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios".

I want to comment on this, that I'm not a fan of this joke! For me there is too much violence in there.
But it descripes a bit about "Sticks and Stones" ...

[delriata]

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."


Bill (The Scotsman)
http://www.englishinbritain.de

[Manhattan]

Next one:

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"

[arash]

hi folks my ame is arash and i am from india bombay city, i have seen this site for the first time and i loved every bit of it and i would trymy best to put in my fair share.
great jokes u guys.
keep it up
shahriarianarash@hotmail.com
if i could give u some info about india or its cultures pls dont hesitate.
arash

[-IwaN-]

Hi my name is IwaN [it's just a nick] I've read all the jokes in the forum. Very well!!!
I think the jokes at this page are a good idea to open mindes for other languages. Specialy for the english language!
The english humor is realy an other than the german. I've seen a report about it ... In this report they has present the
==>"most funny joke in the world."<==

-----

Two hunters walk arount in the forest. Suddenly one of them break down. The other calls the ambulance quickly and say his colleague is dead.
The nice womanvoice at the other site of line says beclaiming: "Not so quick sir, if you say he is dead then you must be sure that he is realy dead."
The hunter replys: "One moment please!"
Then their is a moment of silence and after it a bang.
The hunter returnt to the telephon and say: "I am sure!"

Greatings ... -IwaN-