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Bitte um die Korrektur von Toefl Essay

Beitrag von Liminna »

Hallo zusammen,
ich bin ganz neu hier :)  Ich habe ein Essay fuer Toefl geuebt und ich bitte um die Korrektur .
Vielen Dank im Voraus.

The title:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Some people believe if it a good idea to use cameras to watch and record people’s activities in public can increase safety; others think it has too many negative consequences and should not be used.

The context:

It has long been discussed, whether or not using cameras to watch and record people’s activities in public can increase safety. Some people believe that it is a good idea to use cameras in public for increasing safety while others think it is unsuitable to use cameras since there would be many negative consequences. In my view, I agree with the statement that it is a good idea to use cameras to record people’s activities in public.

To begin with, cameras in the public can reduce the rate of crimes efficiently. With the development of high technology, people in my country connect the cameras with the computers in all police stations and install those cameras in the ambient buildings, trees and utility poles of kindergartens, schools, parks and other places where children appear commonly, in order to prevent children from accidents or kidnaps. For instance, 3 men kidnapped a child in a park near a elementary school since the men know that the kid liked to play in the park after school. However they neglected that a great amount of cameras were in everywhere around the park. Three hours later, the policemen caught those hijackers by the records from the cameras. Eventually the child went back home safely. Now, the rate of crimes is zero within the park. If there were no cameras in the park, the kid might be killed. Thus, I support cameras in the public are important for the people’s safety.

Secondly, cameras in the public can provide useful evidences for people’s frictions or accidents. Owing to the invention of cars or private vehicles, more and more frictions or accidents today happen often. If an accident occurs, cameras are really significant tools for collecting the evidences and policemen can judge easily that who is responsible for the accident. Take my friend’s experience for example, she drove across the intersection when the traffic light flashed green however a bus drove though a red light and collided with her. Not until my friend displayed those records about the accident from her camera, the bus driver admitted his fault and compensate my friend’s repair expense of car. In this case, cameras protect people from any frictions.

Undoubtedly, some people support that cameras invade people’s privacy and make people feel uncomfortable in their daily life. For instance, some reporters like to follow famous stars and take pictures of the private events of those stars and use the photos to make money. However I think that those private picture also make those stars far-fame, a win-win situation either for reporters or for those stars.
To sum up, cameras in the public can reduce the rate of crimes efficiently and provide useful evidences for people’s frictions. Thus, in my view, we should make more uses of cameras.

( Letztes Mal habe ich nur 19  mit dem Toefl Essay, deshalb bitte ich um die Korrektur, vielen Dank :) )