Argumentative essay - please correct

[Miomena]

Hello, I wrote this argumentative essay to practice for a class test.
I would be happy if you correct my text and/or criticize the structure.



Terrorism is the biggest threat to our security. David Cameron discerns this in his speech at the Munich Security Conference at February 3rd, 2011. His solution for the more and more appearing radicalisation from young men is to create a national identity where all feel belong to and where all have the same values and speak the same language. But does this way works?

On the one hand, it is a good idea.
Firstly, the young people don't need to search for a group where they have a feeling of togethernis, when they feel belong to their nation. Consequently, more less people will be recruited by the IS or other extremistic groups.
Furthermore, when all people have the same valurs, they are all against the same things, for example, terrorist attacks and violence.
Moreover, sharing the same values and language included the integration of immigrants. That leads to more less conflicts and prejudices and so the immigrants feel more welcome . This leads to the first point I mentioned, because so they feel more belong to the country.

On the other hand, there are many points against this solution.
At first, it is nearly impossible to create a national identity where ALL people feel belong to and ALL share the same values and language. There are always people who have their own views and don't want to adapt to something because that means that they have to give up their own values. This people can be immigrants as well as Britten.
Secondly, when there would be a national identity, there would be persons who are against this system because they think, for instance, they have no freedom. Then the IS would recruit with tis wish as they do with the feeling of togerthernis now.

All in all, I think that Camerons way doesn't work because there will be always people who don't feel belong to their nation. And even if there would be a national identity, the IS would recruit with an other thing.


Bye, Mio =)

[klara]

hey..here are the changed I'd make
Terrorism is the biggest threat to our security. And David Cameron discerns this pointed this out in his speech at the Munich Security Conference at on February 3rd, 2011. His solution for the more and more appearing radicalisation from young men radicalism is to create the creation of a national identity where all so that all people feel belong to equal and where all , have the same values sense of belonging to one nation  and speak the same language share the same value system and language. But does this way works will this work out?
On the one hand, it is a good idea.
Firstly, the young people / the young don't wouldn't need to search for a group where they have a feeling of togethernis identify themselves with a certain community, group or gang, when they feel belong to their nation. Consequently, more less people will would be recruited by the ISIS or other extremistic groups.
Furthermore, when all people have the same valures, they are all against the same things, for example, terrorist attacks and violence.
Moreover, sharing the same values and language included would ease the integration of immigrants process of immigrant integration. That would leads to more less conflicts and prejudices and so the immigrants feel more welcome . This leads to the first point I mentioned, because so they feel more belong to the country.
On the other hand, there are many points against this Cameron's solution.
At first First, it is nearly impossible to create a national identity where ALL people feel belong to and ALL share the same values and language. There are always people who have their own points of views / opinions and don't want to adapt to something because that means that they have to give up their own values. Thisese people can be immigrants as well as Britten the British.
Secondly, when if  there would be were a national identity were created, there would be persons who are against this system because they would think, for instance, they have had no freedom. Then theISIS would recruit with tis wish as they do with the feeling of togerthernis now still be recruiting as they are doing now.

All in all, I think that Cameron's way doesn't wouldn't work because there will be are always people who don't feel belong to their nation haven't got sense of belonging to one nation or just refuse to acquire one. And even if there would be were a national identity, the ISIS would recruit with an other thing use some other recruitment method.
basically it's an ok essay..you do know how an essay should look like..but there are lots of grammar mistakes..also you should work on the improvement of your vocabulary..so if I were to put a mark, it'd be 2/5..
P.S. what I do when I have no idea which word to use or how to arrange words nicely is googling..there are going to be lots of articles on the subject you are writing about and you can take some phrase and words from there..well...of course you can use collocation dictionary..also check out some good examples of essay on the subject you are writing about (if you are writing about terrorism, check something lie these: terrorism essay, isis essay, freedom of speech essay, etc), pay close attention to the words and phrases the author used, which sources he or she referenced..for more insight into the topic you can check them as well..but just make sure not to plagiarize..
good luck with essay writing

[Miomena]

Hello Klara, thank you for the correction! I know that I'm not good in grammar, this is why I come to this forum ^.^
And thank you for the tipp, I would try it.
Aaand last but not least, thank you for the wishes. I hope that I'm not too bad tomorrow.
Bye, Mio