2 Texte zum Korrigieren: Giving advice, a short application

[coccinelle]

Hallo,

ich muss zwei kurze Texte schreiben und bitte um Verbesserungsvorschläge. Danke!

Text 1: Hier musste ich jemandem als Berater zur Seite stehen.

Dear George,

First of all, I can understand that you are in a big conflict with yourself.You ought to consider that five years are a very long period to leave the home country. Several things will be different in Germany after five years. For example, there will be a different situation on the housing market or the employment market. It is possible that if you now cancel your job you will hardly find a new job in five years. Although, it might be difficult to find a financeable accommodation in a couple of years. If I were you, I would stay in Germany together with my father in my own house, because I don’t think it’s advisable to abandon your relatively successful live for some adventures. You should keep in mind that you have a job and a own a house! Many people want to travel the world, but only the minority achieve that goal. I think that everyone has duties in his live which must be done. In particular, these are duties like looking after older and younger family members. In your case that means that you have a father who needs your help and presents.
Would it not be better for you to search other challenges in your life? Why don’t you try to climb up the carrier ladder, or maybe improve your life by starting a family? Please, think about it.

Yours faithfully

Text 2: Hier musste ich eine Art Bewerbungsschreiben an eine Organisation, wie z.B. die Samariter schreiben.Inhalt: Etwas über mich selber schreiben und den Grund warum ich anderen auf freiwilliger Basis helfen möchte inklusive meiner Qualifikationen.

Dear Sir or Madam,
Since my childhood I want to help people. Now, I think it is time to realize this childhood dream. In my opinion, everyone on earth, irrespective of ranks or social positions, has a duty to help poorer people in some ways. Maybe only by spending some money when there is a great disaster, maybe by working together with handicapped people, with voluntary work in the developing world or, like in my case, with voluntary work in your well-known organisation.
I think I have all qualifications which are necessary for a good social worker. Firstly, I’m a very sensitive, calm and well-tempered person. Secondly, I am able to deal with mental stress. As a teenager I worked together with children and make some gymnastics with them in a gym. Now, I am helping in the church by organising some events.
I like to talk to other people, although when they “only” talk about their problems and not about some more “funny” topics. I had a good childhood and still have a harmonious family life. I want to give something back to the whole generation. I know that many people are in big trouble – and I want to help them.

Yours faithfully

[choccy_hobnob]

Hallo coccinelle! Ich bin gerade etwas in Eile, korrigiere also erst mal nur einen deiner Texte. Den anderen korrigiere ich gerne, wenn es bis heute Abend noch keiner gemacht hat

Dear Sir or Madam,
Since my childhood,I have wantedto help people. Now, I think it is time to realise this childhood dream. In my opinion, everyone on earth, irrespective of ranks or social positions, has a duty to help poorer people in some ways. This could be by simply donating some money when there is a great disaster, maybe by working together with handicapped people,by doing voluntary work in the developing world, or, like in my case,by carrying out voluntary work in your well-known organisation. (Je länger der Satz wird, desto wackeliger wird diese "maybe... maybe"-Konstruktion!)
I think I have allthe qualifications which are necessaryto be a good social worker. Firstly, Iam a very sensitive, calm and even-tempered (eigentlich hat "well tempered" eher mit Musikinstrumenten zu tun. Ich gehe davon aus, du bist doch tatsächlich ein Mensch und kein Klavier...!) person. Secondly, I am good at coping with mental stress. As a teenager I worked together with children to teach them gymnastics with them in a gym (eine Ortsangabe ist hier nicht nötig: wo sonst lernt man Gymnastik?).Currently, Ihelp out in thelocalchurch by organising various ("various" ist positiver besetzt als dieses ziemlich ungenaue "some") events.
I like to talk to other people, although when they “only” talk about their problems and not about some more “funny” topics. Ich weiß gar nicht, was du damit ausdrücken willst! Willst du sagen, dass du lieber über die Probleme von anderen redest als über irgendwelche Belanglosigkeiten - oder umgekehrt? I had a good childhood and still have a harmonious family life. I want to give something back to the whole generation. (Welcher Generation eigentlich? Willst du denn nur jüngeren Leuten hilfen? Nur älteren? Gleichaltrigen?) I know that many people are ingreat difficulty("in big trouble" zu sein hört sich eher an wie die Handlung einer amerikanischen Komödie!) – and I want to help them.

Yours faithfully

Was die "realize -> realise"-Korrektur angeht: "realize" ist die amerikanische Schreibweise, "realise" die britische. Ich weiß nicht, ob deine Schule die eine vor der anderen bevorzugt, aber da du ja später im Text "organising" schreibst (den Amerikanern zufolge wäre es "organizing") (und da ich ja aus England komme!), habe ich mich da für die englische Variante entschieden.

[choccy_hobnob]

Hallo! Ich schon wieder! Ich versuche mich jetzt an dem anderen Text:

Dear George,

First of all, I can understand that you are feeling very conflicted.You ought to consider that five years is a very long period to leave your home country. Several things will be different in Germany after five years (besser: "Many things will be different in Germany by the time you come back."). For example, there will be a different situation on the housing market and (da "there will be" sich ganz konkret und endgültig anhört, passt das vage "or" nicht gut dazu. Also: entweder "there could be [...] or..." oder "there will be [...] and...") the employment market. It is possible that, if you quit (man kann "quit a job" oder einfach "resign", "cancel" passt hier nicht rein) your job now, you will have difficulty findinga new job in five years' time.In addition to this, ("although" entspricht dem deutschen "obwohl" - fast genau das Gegenteil von dem, was du hier sagen willst, oder?) it might be difficult to find affordable accommodation in a couple of years' time. If I were you, I would stay in Germany together with my father in my own house, because I don't think it would beadvisable to abandon your relatively successful life for some adventures (besser: "just to have a few adventures"). You should keep in mind that you have a job and a own a house! Many people want to travel the world, but only the minority achieve that goal. I think that everyone has duties in his life which must be completed. In particular, these are duties like looking after older and younger family members. In your case, that means that you have a father who needs your help and presence.
Would it not be better for you to searchfor other challenges in your life? Why don't you try to climb up the career ladder, or maybe improve your life by starting a family? Please, think about it.

Yours faithfully

Ein paar wichtige "falsche Freunde", die in deinem Text aufgetreten sind:

• life (Substantiv): das Leben -----ABER---- to live (Verb): leben
• presents (Substantiv in der Mehrzahl): Geschenke -----ABER---- presence (Substantiv in der Einzahl): die Anwesenheit
• carrier: der Träger -----ABER---- career: die Karriere

Also, das war es dann wohl! Deine Texte waren beide ganz ganz gut, muss ich sagen. Weiter so!

[coccinelle]

Hallo choccy-hobnob,

danke für die tolle Korrektur und vor allen Dingen für die Erklärungen zu deinen Verbesserungen! So macht Englisch richtig Spaß!

Text 1:
Da ist alles super korrigiert und alles verständlich!

Text 2:
- I like to talk to other people, although when they “only” talk about their problems and not about some more “funny” topics.
Ich will damit sagen, dass ich kein Problem damit habe mit anderen über ihre Probleme zu reden, auch wenn ich in der Zeit auch spaßigere Dinge machen könnte.

- I want to give something back to the whole generation.
Ich wollte eigentlich damit ausdrücken, dass ich der gesamten Bevölkerung etwas zurückgeben möchte. Wie kann man das denn schreiben?


Grüße
coccinelle

[tiorthan]

Text 2:
- I like to talk to other people, even when they only talk about their (own) problems while I could something more enjoyable.

Anführungszeichen sind kein Mittel um Wörter zu betonen.
Bei dem grünen Ende bin ich mir nicht so ganz sicher, ob das das ist was du wolltest, da deine Erklärung jetzt so gar nicht mit dem zusammen passt, was du ursprünglich geschrieben hast.

Ich wollte eigentlich damit ausdrücken, dass ich der gesamten Bevölkerung etwas zurückgeben möchte. Wie kann man das denn schreiben?

"To all people" sollte das Problem lösen.