Bitte um Korrektur meines Textes

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Darkness07
Bilingual Newbie
Beiträge: 3
Registriert: 27. Okt 2006 17:26

Bitte um Korrektur meines Textes

Beitrag von Darkness07 »

Guten Tag, ich bin zwar kein Englischlehrer aber denoch brauche ich eure Hilfe. Also normalerweiße bin ich nicht so gut in English (12 Klasse), dies will ich aber ändern und deswegen habe ich mich in den Ferien hingesetzt und mehrere kleine English Texte geschrieben. Ich bitte euch darum mir die Texte zu korrigieren und desweiteren währe es super wenn ihr mir so meine Fehlerschwerpunkte sagen könntet. Währe super nett. Dan kann ich daraus lernen und weiß vorallem was ich lernen muss.
Ich habe dies gleichzeitig als Testvorberreitung genutzt. Deswegen habe ich die englischen Lieder aus dem Film ,,Bend it like Beckham'', den wir zurzeit im Unterricht behandeln, rausgesucht um sie im kontext zu dem Film zu analysieren.

Über negatives (natürlich auch positives) Feedback und Anregung, Verbesserungen etc... freue ich mich.

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The Song Inner Smile by Texas is set in the movie >>Bend it like Beckham>Bend it like Beckham>Bend it like Beckham<< during the shopping tour from Jess and Jules. Jess took the chance as she should get a new ,,sari’’ and allege that she needs new shoes to her new ,,sari’’. But in reality she wants to buy new football shoes. Melanie C is singing about somebody who wants to ,,following [her/his] star’’ – with other words her or his dream. The lyric me has a dream and he/she ,,can’t live without’’ this dream. These Person know that he/she sometimes ,,make mistakes’’ and that is a game with fire. But on the other side he/ she knows that she ,,[have to] find [her/his] own way’’. This apply perfect in Jess Situation. The mistake which is Melanie C singing about is in Jess point of view maybe the lie that she wants to buy new shoes which match to her ,,sari’’. The game with fire describes the risk in this situation. ,,Sometimes you play with fire and sometimes you get burned’’. Somebody could blow Jess’s cover or something like that. The other text parts match to Jess situation too. She wants to follow her dreams too and she has to find her own way alike the lyric me. Jess wants to be independence so she does what she wants and goes her own way.
And these shopping tour is her independence ‘’day’’ witch all these risks. The music sounds very happy so Jess inner feelings are underlined through the music. Jess is happy and for a day independent.
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The song ,,I turn to you’’ by Melanie C is set in the movie ,,Bend it like Beckham’’ during the Disco Night in Germany. Jess misses the deciding penalty shot before so she is in a bad mood but her friends constrain her to go with them in the disco. Joe, Jess and Jules sit there together and talk to each other and after a short conversation they start to dance. And at this time the DJ plays this song. Jess mood is changing in these scenes. At first she’s in a bad mood but in the disco she’s in a better mood then before. You can compare this change of mood with the song because there is a change too. In the first strophe Melanie C is singing about a ,,dark […] world’’, a ,,grey […] sky’’ and sleepless nights. We can compare these feelings with Jess feelings after the bad penalty shot. But after the first strophe follows the ,,change of mood’’ from the lyric me. In the next Strophes Melanie C singing about somebody who ,,can turn [the Lyric me] around when [he/she] is upside down]. And these Person is ,,the only one’’ for the Lyric me. With other words: if you are in a bad mood there is only one person who can change your mood and this person is the person who you love. And these apply perfect in Jess Situation. Joe is the only one who can change her mood. Joe ,,lift [Jess] spirit’’ and he ,,melt [her inner] ice’’ .
The atmosphere together with the music gives the impression from a surreal vibe.
It seems so that there are only Jess and Joe.

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Ist ein wenig viel... Aber bitte helft mir




boert

Beitrag von boert »

The Song "Inner Smile" by Texas is set in the movie >>Bend it like Beckham>Bend it like Beckham>Bend it like Beckham<< during the shopping tour fromof Jess and Jules. Jess took the chance as she should get a new ,,sari’’ and allege that she needs new shoes to her new ,,sari’’. But in reality she wants to buy new football shoes. Melanie C is singing about somebody who wants to ,,following [her/his] star’’ – with other words her or his dream. The lyric me has a dream and he/she ,,can’t live without’’ this dream. These Person know that he/she sometimes ,,make mistakes’’ and that is a game with fire. But on the other side he/ she knows that she ,,[haves to] find [her/his] own way’’. This apply perfect in Jess Situation. The mistake which is Melanie C singing about is in Jess' point of view maybe the lie that she wants to buy new shoes which match to her ,,sari’’. The game with fire describes the risk in this situation. ,,Sometimes you play with fire and sometimes you get burned’’. Somebody could blow Jess’s cover or something like that. The other text parts matches to Jess situation too. She wants to follow her dreams too, and she has to find her own way alike the lyric me. Jess wants to be independence so she does what she wants and goes her own way.
And these shopping tour is her independence ‘’day’’ with all these risks. The music sounds very happy so Jess inner feelings are underlined through the music. Jess is happy and for a day independent.
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sechster TEXT
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The song ,,I turn to you’’ by Melanie C is set in the movie ,,Bend it like Beckham’’ during the Disco Night in Germany. Jess misses the deciding penalty shot before, so she is in a bad mood but her friends constrain her to go with them in the disco with them. Joe, Jess and Jules sit there together and talk to each other and after a short conversation they start to dance. And at this time the DJ plays this song. Jess' mood is changing in these scenes. At first she’s in a bad mood but in the disco she’s in a better mood then before. You can compare this change of mood with the song because there is a change too. In the first strophe Melanie C is singing about a ,,dark […] world’’, a ,,grey […] sky’’ and sleepless nights. We can compare these feelings with Jess feelings after the bad penalty shot. But after the first strophe follows the ,,change of mood’’ follows the lyric me. In the next Strophes Melanie C singing about somebody who ,,can turn [the Lyric me] around when [he/she] is upside down]. And these Person is ,,the only one’’ for the Lyric me. With other words: if you are in a bad mood there is only one person who can change your mood and this person is the person who you love. And these apply perfect in Jess Situation. Joe is the only one who can change her mood. Joe ,,lift [Jess] spirit’’ and he ,,melt [her inner] ice’’ .
The atmosphere together with the music gives the impression from a surreal vibe.
It seems so that there are only Jess and Joe.


Einige Anmerkungen.
Vorab: Die Korrektur ist mit Sicherheit unvollständig, habe es nur eben überflogen.

Versuche mal Sachen die das "lyric me" oder "songtitel" in Anführungszeichen zu setzen. Macht das ganze unheimlich übersichtlicher.
Dann mach diese Anführungszeichen mit shift+2 und nicht mit anderen wilden "strichen oben" oder sonstigen accents. Das gilt auch für andere "Striche oben", bspw bei "It's". shift+Nummernzeichen. Alles andere gilt nicht. Absätze kommen auch immer gut. Im Text, nicht am Fuß.

Dann behalte deine Rechtschreibung und Groß/Kleinschreibung im Auge.
Zuguterletzt wirkt dein Satzbau noch etwas "deutsch", sprich die Wortreihenfolge klingt meist wie eins zu eins aus dem Deutschen übersetzt.

Viel Erfolg beim Üben =)


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Darkness07
Bilingual Newbie
Beiträge: 3
Registriert: 27. Okt 2006 17:26

Beitrag von Darkness07 »

Gut Satzbau werde ich üben.... wenn jemand anders noch was anzumerken hat.. bitte ich würde mich sehr freuen.

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