Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

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Guest10-15

Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Guest10-15 »

could you please correct my translation with a little help from reverso:


The Lover

Now your friend lies awake at the mild night,
Still warmly from you, still fully from your smell,
From your look and hair and kiss - o midnight,
O moon and star and blue fog air!
In you, lovers, rises my dream
Deep like in sea, mountain and gap in,
Sprays in surf and trails away to foam,
Sun, root, animal,
are only around with you,
to be near with you.
Saturn circles far and moon, I see them not,
Seeing only in flower paleness your face,
And laugh quietly and cry drunken,
No luck, no sorrow is any more,
Only you, only I and you, sunk
In deep all, in the deep sea,
Into it we are lost,
In there we die and become again-born.

Jule 1921



Der Liebende

Nun liegt dein Freund wach in der milden Nacht,
Noch warm von dir, noch voll von deinem Duft,
Von deinem Blick und Haar und Kuß - o Mitternacht,
O Mond und Stern und blaue Nebelluft!
In dich, Geliebte, steigt mein Traum
Tief wie in Meer, Gebirg und Kluft hinein,
Verspritzt in Brandung und verweht zu Schaum,
Ist Sonne, Wurzel, Tier,
Nur um bei dir,
Um nah bei dir zu sein.
Saturn kreist fern und Mond, ich seh sie nicht,
Seh nur in Blumenblässe dein Gesicht,
Und lache still und weine trunken,
Nicht Glück, nicht Leid ist mehr,
Nur du, nur ich und du, versunken
Ins tiefe All, ins tiefe Meer,
Darein sind wir verloren,
Drin sterben wir und werden neugeboren.

Juli 1921




Keswick
English Legend
Beiträge: 4795
Registriert: 30. Jul 2008 11:20
Muttersprache: Deutsch
Wohnort: Borough of Gateshead

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Keswick »

Hi Guest10-15,

I am afraid that correcting a translation done by an online translator (even if it is only partially done by reverso) is a waste of time because we are here to help you with your English, not reverso's. I am sure that reverso won't benefit at all from our corrections  :wink: .

Also, why translate a poem which was originally written in German?

Regards,
Keswick
Bitte keine Korrektur- / Erklärungsanfragen per PN.
British English (BE) Sprecher.

Guest10-15

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Guest10-15 »

Hey Keswick,

This is my way to learn any topic: At first I find many points in the new topic which I agree with or which I can like or understand, thus I get enough positive energy or friendship with the new theme.

Agreement produces good vibrations.
Not-Agreement produces bad vibrations.

Agreement moves me to the topic.
Disagreement moves me away of the topic.

Agreement helps me to create energy of interest.
Disagreement helps me to create energy of fear, fury, sadness...

Why should I read boring news to understand or translate? This is in my point of view wasting my unforgiving time and energy.

I love this poem of Hermann Hesse.
So I am strong interessted to know how it would sounds in english. 


The most important question and this is the main ground to be here: Can my translation be understood by many peoples? Can anyone feel the beauty of the poem?

The second important question is the correctness of the grammar. I want to be certain that my translation is definitly in correct british.

If those two points are clear to me I can use this translations as a reference or solid steps to my next translation.


bye bye

Guest10-15

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Guest10-15 »

Hey, I just found an online grammar-checker for free!
http://spellcheckplus.com/
(sometimes there appears an add but is no obligation to sign in)

I don't know if my translation is now more British than before. I would be pleased to hear your opinion.

This is my way to learn any topic: At first I find many point in the new topic which I agree with or which I can like or understand, thus I get enough positive energy or friendship with the new theme. Agreement produces good vibrations. Not-Agreement produces bad vibrations. Agreement moves me to the topic. Disagreement moves me away of the topic. Agreement help me  create energy of interest. Disagreement help me create energy of fear, fury, sadness ... Why should I read boring news to understand or translate? This is in my point of view wasting my unforgiving time and energy. I love this poem of Hermann Hesse. Thus, I am strong interested to know how it would sounds in English.  The most important question and this is the main ground to be here: Can my translation be understood by many people? Can anyone feel the beauty of the poem? The second important question is the correctness of the grammar. I want to be certain that my translation is definitely in correct British. If those two points are clear to I can use this translation as a reference or solid steps to my next translation.

By the way I think now that it is not a good idea to translate poems because of their non usually syntax of spoken or written English.

Keswick
English Legend
Beiträge: 4795
Registriert: 30. Jul 2008 11:20
Muttersprache: Deutsch
Wohnort: Borough of Gateshead

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Keswick »

- duplicate
Bitte keine Korrektur- / Erklärungsanfragen per PN.
British English (BE) Sprecher.

Keswick
English Legend
Beiträge: 4795
Registriert: 30. Jul 2008 11:20
Muttersprache: Deutsch
Wohnort: Borough of Gateshead

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Keswick »

Guest10-15 hat geschrieben:Hey, I just found an online grammar-checker for free!
http://spellcheckplus.com/
(sometimes it asks you to sign in, however there is no obligation to sign in)

I don't know if my translation now is more British than before. I would be pleased to hear your opinion. - I don't think it sound any more British or American, to be honest, however since you have used this programme, again I am correcting a programme rather than you own efforts. And this in my opinion is a waste of my time because the programme won't learn from my corrections. You however would benefit from my corrections, if you had written the text yourself :) 

This is my way to learn any topic: At first I find certain points in the new topic which I agree with or which I can like or understand, thus I get enough positive energy or friendship with the new theme. Agreement produces good vibrations. Not-Agreement produces bad vibrations. Agreement moves me to the topic. Disagreement moves me away of the topic. Agreement helps me create energy of interest. Disagreement helps me create energy of fear, fury, sadness ... Why should I read boring news to understand or translate? This is in my point of view wasting my unforgiving (??) time and energy. I love this poem of Hermann Hesse's. Thus, I am strongly interested to know how it would sound in English.  The most important question and this is the main reason to be here: Can my translation be understood by many people? Can anyone feel the beauty of the poem? The second important question is the accuracy of the grammar used. I want to be certain that my translation is definitely in correct British. If those two points are clear, to I can use this translation as a reference or solid steps towards my next translation.

By the way I think now that it is not a good idea to translate poems because of their unusual syntax of spoken or written English.
Guest10-15, sorry, but this spell/grammer checker is useless and wrong. I have just tested it using a few random sentences of my own and even the ones which I intentionally put in incorrectly came out as correct. Please don't use this checker.

Your English isn't that bad at all, and I don't think that you'd need any online translators or checkers. Just believe in yourself and your abilities, and we will help you if you have any further questions :)
Bitte keine Korrektur- / Erklärungsanfragen per PN.
British English (BE) Sprecher.

Guest10-15

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Guest10-15 »

... thank you very much for your help, dear Keswick! :D


unforgiving: So far I understood, this words means in context with "time" and "energy" that those "things" can't be rolled back and it's gone forever. Look at the poem of Kipling: "unforgiving minute"

tiorthan
Lingo Whiz
Beiträge: 2815
Registriert: 13. Jun 2010 01:36
Muttersprache: de, (pl)

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von tiorthan »

Time as a personalized entity is said to be unforgiving, but in your sentence you do not personalize time you objectify it by using it with the verb "waste". In that context unforgiving doesn't make sense.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
MistakeSuggestionYou sure that's right?

Guest10-15

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Guest10-15 »

tiorthan hat geschrieben:Time as a personalized entity is said to be unforgiving, but in your sentence you do not personalize time you objectify it by using it with the verb "waste". In that context unforgiving doesn't make sense.
I do objectify time by using it with the verb "waste"?
But time is an object in a way. How can I do personalize an object? ok, I catch an idea: I could say that my handy has a name "Lucile" and I could talk with my handy as a person, but my handy is still an object. Or I don't understand the meaning of "personalize" or "person".
Looking to https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Person
A person is a human beeing with a specific role.
In other words: I can waste an object! ok, I can waste a person too!
What is "standard English"? Isn't it standard because many people agree with the syntax? May be one day if all men have wasted a lot of time in its objectiv usage it will become standard and then it's correct spoken english! ^^

tiorthan
Lingo Whiz
Beiträge: 2815
Registriert: 13. Jun 2010 01:36
Muttersprache: de, (pl)

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von tiorthan »

Personalize or personify means to treat a non-person as a person in some aspect. This is something people do often. They ascribe attributes of persons to objects like saying that time is unforgiving even though no object can be forgiving in the first place.
Saying that you objectify an object is, of course, redundant but it was meant to serve as a means of contrasting the characterization of time as a personal entity as opposed to the abstract concept it is.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
MistakeSuggestionYou sure that's right?

Guest10-15

Re: Hermann Hesse - Der Liebende / The lover

Beitrag von Guest10-15 »

Thank you, Tiorthan for your excelent explanation.


I discussed over lunch with my wife and she gave me the right kick how I can use waste AND unforgiving in one sentence.


I am wasting my time, time which is unforgiving.

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