Hello,
I'd like to improve my expression. Can you tell me some useful beginning of sentences or something? I am looking for expressions, such as "on the occation that" for example.
My teacher often says that my texts are too vague. I'd like to improve them. Here is one I've just written. It would be fantastic if you could correct it and make some comments on it!:)
Thanks a lot!
Sunny
----------------------------------------
Here is the text:
Paul Waterford, the protagonist of the novel, is a 17-year-old boy who has to bear a lot. His sister dies in an air crash while going on a trip with school and his parents are more busy with their own problems.
Paul withdraws from his parents into seclusion. The only person he talks to is his dead sister whose understanding he is sure of although the siblings were not much interested in talking to each other before Clare’s death. This is a parallel with the text “Adolescents and Adults”. Adolescents try to withdraw from their families and live on their own. So does Paul: he puts up a virtual world, The World Free Zone because he hates life. This can be seen in the sort of laws he makes. He first thinks about not allowing marriages. What can be concluded from this fact is that he acts in that way because he experiences the tragedy of an unhappy marriage at home.
Adolescents often differ with their parents and want to do everything better, later in life. In the course of the novel, Paul withdraws more and more from other people as he only talks to Clare then.
His parents’ problems rather lead to seclusion than to friction because their relationship is dominated by indifference towards each other. The adolescent watches everything around him closely in order to find the right place and the best fitting citizens for his utopian world. He even notices details, such as, for example, a sea salted brick which reminds him very much of Clare. His reflection at that moment shows that Paul thinks a lot, which is typical of adolescents. They wonder what’s the meaning of life and so on.
At the end of the novel, Paul gives up the World Free Zone. He realizes that he does not need it any more. The adolescent needs it to grow up but in the course of the novel comes to terms with himself. There is a reconciliation between the boy and his parents then as well.
I am not sure whether Paul is a typical teenager but he is on his way to adulthood and reaches his physical and mental growth.
how to write texts
-
George
- Site Admin
- Beiträge: 999
- Registriert: 7. Mär 2004 22:02
- Muttersprache: German
- Wohnort: Klingenthal
Text
Hi Sunny,
I like your text.
I've substituted some words. Here is my "version".
Paul Waterford, the protagonist of the novel, is a 17-year-old boy who has to bear a lot.
His sister died in an air crash while going on a school trip and his parents are more busy with their own problems.
Paul withdraws from his parents into seclusion.
The only person he talks to is his dead sister whose understanding he is sure of although the siblings were not much interested in talking to each other before Clare’s death.
This is a parallel with the text “Adolescents and Adults”.
Adolescents try to withdraw from their families and live on their own. So does Paul: he puts up a virtual world, The World Free Zone because he hates life.
This can be seen in the sort of laws he makes.
He first thinks about not allowing marriages.
What can be concluded from this fact is that he acts in that way because he experiences the tragedy of an unhappy marriage at home.
Adolescents often differ from their parents and want to do everything better, later in life.
In the course of the novel, Paul withdraws more and more from other people as he only talks to Clare then.
His parents’ problems rather lead to seclusion than to friction because their relationship is dominated by indifference towards each other.
The adolescent watches everything around him closely in order to find the right place and the best fitting citizens for his utopian world.
He even notices details, such as, for example, a sea salted brick which reminds him very much of Clare. His reflection at that moment shows that Paul thinks a lot, which is typical of adolescents.
They wonder what the meaning of life is.
At the end of the novel, Paul gives up the World Free Zone. He realizes that he does not need it any more.
The adolescent needs it to grow up but in the course of the novel comes to terms with himself.
There is reconciliation between the boy and his parents then as well.
I am not sure whether Paul is a typical teenager but he is on his way to adulthood and reaches his physical and mental growth.
CU
George
I like your text.
I've substituted some words. Here is my "version".
Paul Waterford, the protagonist of the novel, is a 17-year-old boy who has to bear a lot.
His sister died in an air crash while going on a school trip and his parents are more busy with their own problems.
Paul withdraws from his parents into seclusion.
The only person he talks to is his dead sister whose understanding he is sure of although the siblings were not much interested in talking to each other before Clare’s death.
This is a parallel with the text “Adolescents and Adults”.
Adolescents try to withdraw from their families and live on their own. So does Paul: he puts up a virtual world, The World Free Zone because he hates life.
This can be seen in the sort of laws he makes.
He first thinks about not allowing marriages.
What can be concluded from this fact is that he acts in that way because he experiences the tragedy of an unhappy marriage at home.
Adolescents often differ from their parents and want to do everything better, later in life.
In the course of the novel, Paul withdraws more and more from other people as he only talks to Clare then.
His parents’ problems rather lead to seclusion than to friction because their relationship is dominated by indifference towards each other.
The adolescent watches everything around him closely in order to find the right place and the best fitting citizens for his utopian world.
He even notices details, such as, for example, a sea salted brick which reminds him very much of Clare. His reflection at that moment shows that Paul thinks a lot, which is typical of adolescents.
They wonder what the meaning of life is.
At the end of the novel, Paul gives up the World Free Zone. He realizes that he does not need it any more.
The adolescent needs it to grow up but in the course of the novel comes to terms with himself.
There is reconciliation between the boy and his parents then as well.
I am not sure whether Paul is a typical teenager but he is on his way to adulthood and reaches his physical and mental growth.
CU
George
-
Sunny
- Bilingual Newbie
- Beiträge: 7
- Registriert: 22. Mai 2004 11:43
New Text
This is a summary. I am always in trouble with summaries as I let things out which are important or as I repeat things several tuimes. I hope this text flows right:
~
Two-thirds of young people can no longer tell right from wrong, which is due to a moral crisis. The trust in Government Ministers is low and there is no longer trust in the press and politicians regarding moral standards. This has been revealed by a nationwide poll and published by The Observer.
More than two in three of 15- to 35-year-olds don't attach much weight to the chuch's opinion, nor to the politicians' opinion on right and wrong. They rather consider pop stars, advertising and television as the best upholders of moral standards. Schools, doctors, parents and the police are also seen to be giving good examples.
Labour politicians are prefered to Conservative politicians. The Prime Minister brings up the rear in this case. Mrs Thatcher and Richard Branson, his predecessors, were more popular.
The influence of traditional religious moral teaching appears to disappear totally.
People of this generation cannot remember all of the Ten Commandments. They also do not consider all of them as important.
The majority of the people is of the opinion that rights and wrongs should be decided by society.
Whereas the social part of the commandments remains important, the religious ones are widely thought to be irelevant.
This is not surprising given that less and less people believe in God or admit that the Church matters to them anyway.
Besides the press and the Royal Family, business leaders, Government Ministers and politicians are considered to set a bad example. According to Anne Widdecombe, Junior Employment Minister, this is due to the media making headlines out of their failure and not their successes.
~
In my opinion, this text sounds clipped and I am too close to the original article. How can I change that? I never know!
cu, Sunny
~
Two-thirds of young people can no longer tell right from wrong, which is due to a moral crisis. The trust in Government Ministers is low and there is no longer trust in the press and politicians regarding moral standards. This has been revealed by a nationwide poll and published by The Observer.
More than two in three of 15- to 35-year-olds don't attach much weight to the chuch's opinion, nor to the politicians' opinion on right and wrong. They rather consider pop stars, advertising and television as the best upholders of moral standards. Schools, doctors, parents and the police are also seen to be giving good examples.
Labour politicians are prefered to Conservative politicians. The Prime Minister brings up the rear in this case. Mrs Thatcher and Richard Branson, his predecessors, were more popular.
The influence of traditional religious moral teaching appears to disappear totally.
People of this generation cannot remember all of the Ten Commandments. They also do not consider all of them as important.
The majority of the people is of the opinion that rights and wrongs should be decided by society.
Whereas the social part of the commandments remains important, the religious ones are widely thought to be irelevant.
This is not surprising given that less and less people believe in God or admit that the Church matters to them anyway.
Besides the press and the Royal Family, business leaders, Government Ministers and politicians are considered to set a bad example. According to Anne Widdecombe, Junior Employment Minister, this is due to the media making headlines out of their failure and not their successes.
~
In my opinion, this text sounds clipped and I am too close to the original article. How can I change that? I never know!
cu, Sunny
-
George
- Site Admin
- Beiträge: 999
- Registriert: 7. Mär 2004 22:02
- Muttersprache: German
- Wohnort: Klingenthal
Summary
Hi Sunny,
I don't know the full article, so I can't tell you what you should write and what you should leave out. In my opinion you should write shorter sentences. It sounds a little too complicated to me.
CU
George
I don't know the full article, so I can't tell you what you should write and what you should leave out. In my opinion you should write shorter sentences. It sounds a little too complicated to me.
CU
George
-
Sunny
- Bilingual Newbie
- Beiträge: 7
- Registriert: 22. Mai 2004 11:43
??
Hi George,
if I wrote shorter sentences, I would have written more words and I was intend on writing less words because this is expected from a summary, isn't it?
What do you mean by "too complicated"? Is it hard to understand?
cu,
Sunny
if I wrote shorter sentences, I would have written more words and I was intend on writing less words because this is expected from a summary, isn't it?
What do you mean by "too complicated"? Is it hard to understand?
cu,
Sunny
-
George
- Site Admin
- Beiträge: 999
- Registriert: 7. Mär 2004 22:02
- Muttersprache: German
- Wohnort: Klingenthal
Summary
Hi Sunny,
if I were you I would shorten the following sentences:
More than two in three of 15- to 35-year-olds consider pop stars, advertising and television as the examples of moral standards.
I think this makes it easier to understand.
CU
George
if I were you I would shorten the following sentences:
to:More than two in three of 15- to 35-year-olds don't attach much weight to the chuch's opinion, nor to the politicians' opinion on right and wrong. They rather consider pop stars, advertising and television as the best upholders of moral standards.
More than two in three of 15- to 35-year-olds consider pop stars, advertising and television as the examples of moral standards.
I think this makes it easier to understand.
CU
George
-
Sunny
- Bilingual Newbie
- Beiträge: 7
- Registriert: 22. Mai 2004 11:43
-
George
- Site Admin
- Beiträge: 999
- Registriert: 7. Mär 2004 22:02
- Muttersprache: German
- Wohnort: Klingenthal
Text
Hi Sunny,
The problem with summaries is that the person who evaluates your summary has a very special idea of what your summary should look like. And I don't know this person. So what I personally think is probably not the idea of your teacher. And the biggest problem is that I don't know the orginal text.
I would change:
The majority of the people is of the opinion that ...
into
The opinion of most people is that ...
Put the article the before 15- to 35-years-olds and
irreleavnt is written with double r.
I hope this helps.
Cheers,
George
The problem with summaries is that the person who evaluates your summary has a very special idea of what your summary should look like. And I don't know this person. So what I personally think is probably not the idea of your teacher. And the biggest problem is that I don't know the orginal text.
I would change:
The majority of the people is of the opinion that ...
into
The opinion of most people is that ...
Put the article the before 15- to 35-years-olds and
irreleavnt is written with double r.
I hope this helps.
Cheers,
George