Könntet ihr mir helfen diesen Text zu korrigieren? Danke!!!

[mojo123]

Dear Madam or Sir,

I would like to express my enthusiasm in applying for a position as a design
intern at your company, for the next winter term 2012/13. I have heard from fellow students
and their very positive feedback.
I’m studying design since the winter semestre 2009/2010 at the university of
Aachen and I have gained many experience during my academic studies. Therefore I
participate in kooperative projects with firms like M.., F.. and K... Besides
this I participate in summer 2011 in a two weeks Design project in Brasilia.

Team working skills, punctuality and an effective way of working are self- evident for me. In addition to that, I have a big interest for my field of study. and I’m seeking to learn new things and this always motivates me strongly. I bring a broad range of skills in A..., S..., and basic knowledge of A.. and R... These strenghts appear in the dealing with my fellow students.
I would appreciate if you consider my application for this position. I am looking forward to hearing from you.


Yours sincerely

[Delfino]

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to express my enthusiasm in applying for a position as a design intern at your company, for the next winter term 2012/13.
I have heard from fellow students and their very positive feedback. (Hörensagen?)
I am studying design since the winter semester 2009/2010 at the RWTH Aachen University.
To gain further experience I participated in cooperative projects with firms like M.., F.. and K.. besides my academic studies.
I also participated in a two weeks design project in Brasilia in summer 2011.

Team working skills, punctuality and an effective way of working are self- evident for me. (auch wenn es dir klar ist must du Beweise liefern)
In addition to that, I have a big interest for my field of study. (echt, kaum zu glauben... )
And I am seeking to learn new things and this always motivates me strongly.
I have a broad range of skills in A..., S..., and basic knowledge of A.. and R...
These strenghts appear in the dealing with my fellow students. (puff... und da sind deine Stärken ...)
I would appreciate if you consider my application for this position.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,
[your name]

Wenn du wirklich mit anderen Studenten gesprochen hast solltest du wissen an wen deine Bewerbung adressiert ist.

Du weißt natürlich wie gut dein Englisch ist, und im Bereich Design ist dein schriftlicher Ausdruck weniger wichtig.
Aber ich habe das Gefühl, dass du möglicherweise die kommunikativen Anforderungen im kommerzielen Umfeld unterschätzt.

Deine Bewerbung benötigt neben einer orthographischen Korrektur auch eine Überarbeitung des Ausdrucks
und das kommt dem Neuschreiben sehr nahe. Meine Korrekturen sind daher nicht vollständig...

besides this ... in addition to that ...

You'll need to highlight your specific transferable skills
which you've gained throughout your life.

a guide, with examples of application forms, CVs and cover letters
http://portal.solent.ac.uk/careers/job- ... ccess.aspx

You should also think about what skills you want to gain in each job / industry
and what you can do to prepare yourself in Germany.

Read, listen and think - use the local library and the Internet...

Good Luck.

ftopic11973.html

experience ist nicht zählbar, daher nicht many benutzen
in Bewerbungen keine Kurzformen: I'm, You've, We'd sondern I am, You have, ...

[mojo123]

vielen vielen Dank für die Hilfe!! Ich werde dann mal alles überarbeiten