English Short story--- Need help ;-)

[Raging_Exodus]

Servus,
brauche etwas hilfe bei meiner English Short Story (für meinen Englisch LK MSS 11).
Ich poste hier einfach mal meinen bisherigen Text:




Everything is quiet. The bright sun is shining through the small windows. Two young men are walking slowly through the hallway. The brassy clapping of their machine guns sounds like the bothersome sound of a leaky water-tap. Could it be the music of death?
I'm Matt Baker and I'm sitting in an airliner flying from Chicago to Washington. My family and I, we want to visit my sister who lives in a small town near Washington. But this flight isn't a normal flight...

After check in and when our hand-luggage was scanned, we were finally in the airliner and ready to fly to Washington. Fifteen minutes after take-off, three men stood-up and walked towards the kitchen. The men were dark colored, tall and they seemed to be very strong. Two minutes later, they came back. But this time, they were armed with weapons like pistols and knives. One of the men ran towards the cockpit. Another one shouted: “Everybody keep quiet, stay seated!!! Now, the airliner is under our control.”

Könnt ihr mir evtl. beim weiterschreiben helfen???

Gruß

Exodus

[boert]

Deine Hausaufgaben musst du schon selbst machen, wir geben dir Hilfestellung wenn du Fragen hast. Aber wir schreiben dir nicht deinen Text.

[Raging_Exodus]

Ich will nicht, dass ihr mir den Text schreibt, sondern ich möchte ein Feedback für den bisherigen Text haben, sowie einen Vorschlag, wie ich das Thema weiterführen kann

Gruß

Exodus