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Rain4higado
Tongue Twister
Beiträge: 31
Registriert: 29. Mär 2004 16:45
Wohnort: Bautzen

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Beitrag von Rain4higado »

Hallo Leute, ich bins mal wieder. Diesmal darf ich in Englisch ein Comment schreiben, welches auch zensiert wird. Könnte jemand einen Blick draufwerfen und darauf achten, ob die Sätze so richtig sind. Ob Einleitung und Ende gut sind, ob das Thema komplett erfasst wurde und ob ihr das auch alles versteht, also ob es eine logische Schlussfolgerund gibt. Und ob ich mich irgendwo vielleicht selbst widerspreche?? Das wäre super nett.

The American dream is dead. There are no more incentives for Europeans to emigrate to the United States.

At the beginning of my comment I want to explain what the American Dream for me is. My American Dream is the possibility to reach my personal goals and to earn a lot of money by working very hard. Having a family with a comfortable house and to be healthy are also parts of my imagination of an American Dream. But at the same time I believe that the American dream is not established as one thing. It can be a lot of many different things that is varying between people and their point of view. The American dream depends on a lot of things such as income, location, religion and culture. Personally, I think becoming rich and financially stable is arguably the most important part of the American Dream. If I think about it, the American Dream is indeed a universal dream. In most parts of the world, people want to get well educated, to get a good job, and certainly to create a marvellous family. Not only Americans want to realise their American dream, it is the hopes and aspirations of every people in world.

During the last decade a very big number of Europeans had crossed the border of the United States of America to pursue the most valuable thing in life, the dream, which everybody thinks about – the American dream. Many of those immigrants sacrificed their jobs, their relationships and connections, their educational levels, and their languages at their homelands to start their new life in America and succeed in reaching their personally dreams and hopes. Which other reasons make people emigrate to the United States?
I can imagine that some Germans leaving Europe to avoid compulsory military service. Another reason for emigration could be a person's social status, which changed downwards as a result of social or economic changes. So there are social and economical reasons for leaving Europe.
Originally, the American Dream was envisaged to be life in a new world where anything successful can happen and good things might.
But today the people’s goals have changed. They aren’t satisfied with a suitable house, a good job and a family. There are always more and more wishes. The level of satisfaction is getting higher. So can we say the American dream is dead? Are there any incentives for Europeans to emigrate to the United States?
The truth is that in our society we can never really say that you can no longer achieve the American Dream because our economy is forever changing and as long as that holds true their is hope, but on the other side there are social and economical problems all over the world. American is no exception. From my point of view the American dream as a dream of becoming rich and famous is dead, because what we used to consider relevant, has become secondary. So maybe the American dream is simply a myth. It’s not possible for a growing population of six billion people to act in the way that Americans have come to expect.
It is impossible for everybody to struggle to get whatever they visualize and the final product is a superior life for everybody. With America being seen as the land of the promise, the American dream is commonly associated with the freedom and opportunity of gaining wealth, fame, power, glory, and happiness. On the surface, this dream seems almost enchanted, offering people the unprecedented prospect of achieving success regardless of one’s race, religion, or family history. Due to this dream, it was believed that America was the land of opportunity, wealth, and prosperity.

Today, the notion of the American dream stretches far beyond the idea of political and religious freedom to a more economically oriented base. The United States has increasingly become a consumer-based society, so the idea of success is now measured by material wealth - a fenced house in the suburbs complete with car, dog and two children. The American Dream is still alive, but only in the minds of those citizens who have the resources to fulfil the definition of success, namely, material wealth.

Soweit zu meinem Comment, ich brauch noch einen schönen Abschluss und vielleicht fehlt inhaltlich ja auch noch was. Für Hinweise wäre ich sehr dankbar.

Liebe Grüße, Chrissy :D
A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night (Sting - dead man's rope)




Anachronist
Frequent Typer
Beiträge: 148
Registriert: 18. Aug 2004 16:05

Re: Comment

Beitrag von Anachronist »

1. The American dream Dream is dead . There are no more incentives for Europeans to emigrate to the United States.

At the beginning of my comment I want to explain what the American Dream for me isis for me. My American Dream is the possibility to reach my personal goals and to earn a lot of money by working very hard. Having a family with a comfortable house and to be healthy are also parts of my imagination of an American Dream.

Es wäre besser zu sagen "At the first impression the American Aream is..." oder etwas ähnliches. Im Moment sagt Du Dein American Dream ist viel Geld und alles was man dafür kaufen kann. Im Verlauf des Textes versuchst Du jedoch eben diese Einstellung als Oberflächlich und historisch relativ neu zu charakterisieren. Dadurch, dass du sie hier zu Deinem Traum machst, stimmst Du der Einstellung aber implizit erst einmal zu. Außerdem macht "my American Dream" erst einmal keinen Sinn. Die Stelle an der Du erklärst, warum man den American Dream auch auf Nicht-Amerikaner übertragen kann, folgt erst noch :)

2. But at the same time I believe that the American dream is not established as one thing. It can be a lot of many different things that is varying between people and their point of view. The American dream depends on a lot of things such as income, location, religion and culture. Personally, I think becoming rich and financially stable is arguably the most important part of the American Dream.

Anschließend an meinen ersten Kommentar könntest Du diesen Absatz mit einer Formulierung wie "If you take a closer look..." einleiten. Ohne viel zu ändern, hättest Du bisher folgende Struktur: 1. AD=GELD (VIEL DAVON), 2. Genauer hingesehen lassen sich mehrere Varianten des AD ausmachen aber eine Konsante in allen Varianten ist GELD (VIEL DAVON).

3.If I think about it, the American Dream is indeed a universal dream. In most parts of the world, people want to get well educated, to get a good job, and certainly to create a marvellous family. Not only Americans want to realise their American dream, it is the hopes and aspirations of every people in world.

Diesen Absatz würde ich mit etwas einleiten wie "We said one common factor in every or most individual American Dream is getting rich. If you think about that, you could really say the American Dream is an Universal Dream." So wird deutlicher, dass es der finanzielle Aspekt ist, der die Allgeimeinerung erlaubt.

4. During the last decade a very big number of Europeans had crossed the border of the United States of America to pursue the most valuable thing in life, the dream, which everybody thinks about – the American dream. Many of those immigrants sacrificed their jobs, their relationships and connections, their educational levels, and their languages at their homelands to start their new life in America and succeed in reaching their personally dreams and hopes. Which other reasons make people emigrate to the United States?

Anstatt des letzten Satzes vielleicht etwas wie "Is there another reason than money to imigrate to the United States. What is the specific American of that Dream".

5.I can imagine that some Germans leaving Europe to avoid compulsory military service. Another reason for emigration could be a person's social status, which changed downwards as a result of social or economic changes. So there are social and economical reasons for leaving Europe.
Originally, the American Dream was envisaged to be life in a new world where anything successful can happen and good things might.

Ich würde "Europeans" nicht "Germans" schreiben. Die anderen Gründe sind irgendwie nicht gut rausgearbeitet. Was für eine "downwardspiral" ist gemeint, wenn keine ökonomische? Versuche die Unzufriedenheit mit festen, gegebenen politischen Bedingungen in europäischen Ländern einzubauen und die Vision eines freien Amerikas entgegenzustellen, in denen die Leute ihr Leben selbst in die Hand nehmen können. Auch den Punkt, dass es ein Leben in einer neuen Welt war könnte man etwas stärker betonen. Eine neue Welt, die die Leute selbst mitaufbauen konnten, gab es so nur in Amerika. Das ist ein Spezifikum des Aemerican Dream.

6.But today the people’s goals have changed. They aren’t satisfied with a suitable house, a good job and a family. There are always more and more wishes. The level of satisfaction is getting higher.

Besser wäre "But today the people`s goals as well as America has changed. Der Satz "The level of satisfaction is getting higher" kommt mir falsch vor. Ich denke "The level at which people feel satisfied is getting higher and higher." So wie Du es geschrieben hast, scheint es mir zu sagen, dass die Leute immer zufriedener werden. Anschließend daran, dass der American Dream auch der Traum war in einer neuen welt zu leben, könnte man einbauen, dass Amerika keine neune Welt mehr ist. Auch Amerika hat mitlerweile seine Strukturen, seine Werte, seine festgefahrenen Probleme. Es ist nicht mehr möglich zu sagen "Pah, doesn`t matter. I´ll go west and take me a new piece of land.", wenn einem etwas nicht passt. Der Reiz eine neue Welt zu sein ist erloschen. Was übrig bleibt vom Amercan Dream ist der Traum von Rechtum für den der hart arbeitet. Der Traum in Amerika alles erreichen zu können ist zum Traum gworden in Amerika finanziell alles erreichen zu können.

7.So can we say the American dream is dead? Are there any incentives for Europeans to emigrate to the United States?
The truth is that in our society we can never really say that you can no longer achieve the American Dream because our economy is forever changing and as long as that holds true their is hope, but on the other side there are social and economical problems all over the world. American is no exception. From my point of view the American dream as a dream of becoming rich and famous is dead, because what we used to consider relevant, has become secondary. So maybe the American dream is simply a myth. It’s not possible for a growing population of six billion people to act in the way that Americans have come to expect.


It is impossible for everybody to struggle to get whatever they visualize and the final product is a superior life for everybody. With America being seen as the land of the promise, the American dream is commonly associated with the freedom and opportunity of gaining wealth, fame, power, glory, and happiness. On the surface, this dream seems almost enchanted, offering people the unprecedented prospect of achieving success regardless of one’s race, religion, or family history. Due to this dream, it was believed that America was the land of opportunity, wealth, and prosperity. Today, the notion of the American dream stretches far beyond the idea of political and religious freedom to a more economically oriented base.

Diesen Absatz finde ich etwas problematisch. Es wird nicht ganz klar, auf was er herausläuft. Z.B. der letzte Satz: "Today, the notion of the American dream stretches far beyond the idea of political and religious freedom to a more economically oriented base. " Das ist zwar so richtig, aber Du hast bisher kaum oder gar nicht über Dinge wie Religionsfreiheit gesprochen. Und warum kann man nicht sagen der Amerikanische Traum sei Tod, weil unsere Wirtschaft sich dauernd verändert? "what we considered relevant has become secondary". Es ist nicht ganz klar, auf was sich das "what" bezieht und in welcher Hinsicht es zweitrangig geworden ist.

Prinzipiell gut an dem Absatz ist, dass Du kritisierst, dass der American Dream immer nur für eine kleine Zahl von Lewuten wahr werden kann. Den AD als Mythos darzustellen ist sehr gut. Hier könnte man noch einen Satz darüber einbauen, dass es eben doch eine große Rolle spielt wer welche Eltern hat, wenn es darum geht welche dieser wenigen den Traum erreichen können.


8. The United States has increasingly become a consumer-based society, so the idea of success is now measured by material wealth - a fenced house in the suburbs complete with car, dog and two children. The American Dream is still alive, but only in the minds of those citizens who have the resources to fulfil the definition of success, namely, material wealth.

Anschließend an meinen bisher umrissenen Argumenationsgang, könnte man sagen, dass der Amercan Dream einerseits verändert ist und andererseits nur noch für die mit den entsprechenden Mitteln Ausgestatteten erreichbar.

bis dann

Jörg

PS: Ganz allgemein kann man sagen, dass Du ganz gut schreibst. Nur ist Deine Argumentatiosnstruktur mit unter noch etwas undurchsichtig. Vor allem in der Mitte hat man den eindruck, dass Du möglichst schnell viel sagen willst und dann zu viele Dinge auf einmal nennst, deren Zusammenhang erst einmal nicht eindeutig ist. Ein gutes Beispiel ist die Stelle mit der Religionsfreiheit. Diese taucht plötzlich als Kriterium auf, ob der American Dream noch lebendig ist oder nicht, ohne dass die Bedeutung der Religionsfreiheit für diesen vorher erläutert worden wäre. Ich habe mich jetzt vor allem auf den Textaufbau selbst konzentriert aber mir sind keine groben Fehler im Englischen aufgefallen. Allerdings bin ich im Moment selbst am Lernen :)
Im alten Rom war das Verderben der Jugend ein schwerwiegendes Vergehen - Heute ist es ein eigenständiger Industriezweig.

Rain4higado
Tongue Twister
Beiträge: 31
Registriert: 29. Mär 2004 16:45
Wohnort: Bautzen

Beitrag von Rain4higado »

Vielen Dank erstmal für die vielen Kommentare und Tipps. Ich weder diese erstmal im Text mit bearbeiten.
:D
Danke, Chrissy
A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night (Sting - dead man's rope)

Anachronist
Frequent Typer
Beiträge: 148
Registriert: 18. Aug 2004 16:05

Beitrag von Anachronist »

consumer-based society

Ich denke das sollte "consumption-based" heißen. Besser nochmal nachschlagen. Außerdem habe ich in meinen eigenen englischen Sätzen Fehler gefunden :) "People`s goals and America has changed" statt "have changed" zum Beispiel. Also, mein Getipsel mit Vorsicht genießen :)

Jörg
Im alten Rom war das Verderben der Jugend ein schwerwiegendes Vergehen - Heute ist es ein eigenständiger Industriezweig.

Rain4higado
Tongue Twister
Beiträge: 31
Registriert: 29. Mär 2004 16:45
Wohnort: Bautzen

Beitrag von Rain4higado »

So, ich hab den Text nochmal bearbeitet. An einer Stelle bräuchte ich noch eine Begründung, ich hab die Stelle mit Fragezeichen markiert.
Diese handfesten Argumentation sind garnicht so einfach...hat jemand vielleicht noch ein Tipp?? Und nochmal danke Jörg, dass du das so schnell mal korigiert hast.

At the beginning of my comment I want to explain what the American Dream is for me. At the first impression the American Dream is the possibility to reach my personal goals and to earn a lot of money by working very hard. Having a family with a comfortable house and to be healthy are also parts of my imagination of an American Dream. But if you take a closer look the American Dream is not established as one thing. It can be a lot of many different things that is varying between people and their point of view. The American dream depends on a lot of things such as income, location, religion and culture. Personally, I think becoming rich and financially stable is arguably the most important part of the American Dream.
The one common factor in every individual American Dream is getting rich. If you think about that, you could really say the American Dream is a Universal Dream
In most parts of the world, people want to get well educated, to get a good job, and certainly to create a marvellous family. Not only Americans want to realise their American dream, it is the hopes and aspirations of every people in world.

During the last decade a very big number of Europeans had crossed the border of the United States of America to pursue the most valuable thing in life, the dream, which everybody thinks about – the American dream. Many of those immigrants sacrificed their jobs, their relationships and connections, their educational levels, and their languages at their homelands to start their new life in America and succeed in reaching their personally dreams and hopes.
Is there another reason than money to emigrate to the United States? What is the specific American of that Dream?
I can imagine that some Europeans leaving their homeland to avoid compulsory military service. Another reason for emigration could be a person's social status, which changed downwards as a result of social or economic changes. So there are social and economical reasons for leaving Europe.
Originally, the American Dream was envisaged to be life in a new world where anything successful can happen and good things might.
But today the people’s goals as well as America have changed. They aren’t satisfied with a suitable house, a good job and a family. There are always more and more wishes. The level at which people feel satisfied is getting higher and higher. So can we say the American dream is dead? Are there any incentives for Europeans to emigrate to the United States?
The truth is that in our society we can never really say that you can no longer achieve the American Dream because our economy is forever changing and as long as that holds true their is hope, but on the other side there are social and economical problems all over the world. American is no exception.
The time as America was the new land is over. Also America has now its own structure, values and persistent problems.
America’s charm and the attraction went out.
What only remains from American Dream is the dream of wealth for hard working people.
The dream everything to reach become the reach everything to reach for money.
From my point of view the American dream as a dream of becoming rich and famous is dead, because ??????????????. So maybe the American dream is simply a myth. It’s not possible for a growing population of six billion people to act in the way that Americans have come to expect.
It is impossible for everybody to struggle to get whatever they visualize and the final product is a superior life for everybody. With America being seen as the land of the promise, the American dream is commonly associated with the freedom and opportunity of gaining wealth, fame, power, glory, and happiness. On the surface, this dream seems almost enchanted, offering people the unprecedented prospect of achieving success regardless of one’s race, religion, or family history.
Due to this dream, it was believed that America was the land of opportunity, wealth, and prosperity.
The United States has increasingly become a consumption-based society, so the idea of success is now measured by material wealth - a fenced house in the suburbs complete with car, dog and two children.
All in all you can say that the American Dream has changed and it is only within reach by having the necessary equipment.
The American Dream is still alive, but only in the minds of those citizens who have the resources to fulfil the definition of success, namely, material wealth.


Gruß, Chrissy :D
A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night (Sting - dead man's rope)

Anachronist
Frequent Typer
Beiträge: 148
Registriert: 18. Aug 2004 16:05

Beitrag von Anachronist »

Hoi,

schon deutlich klarer :) Noch 1-2 Änderungsvorschläge:

1. Schriebe nicht, dass alle Menschen auf der Welt reich sein wollen, sondern "almost everywhere in the world are people wanting to get rich" oder irgendsowas. Mit ist eingefallen, dass es doch noch ein paar Leute gibt, die Reichtum als nicht so wichtig erachten und ein katholischer Mönch träumt vermutlich auch nicht von einer tollen Familie.

2. Wenn Du den Satz "the American Dream is dead, because" nicht begründen kannst, streich ihn doch einfach. Er klingt so oder so nach einem Fazit, dass eher an das Ende eines Aufsatzes gehört und ein paar Zeilen weiter unten wiederrufst Du, indem Du sagst, dass er noch am Leben aber verändert sei.

Jörg
Im alten Rom war das Verderben der Jugend ein schwerwiegendes Vergehen - Heute ist es ein eigenständiger Industriezweig.

Rain4higado
Tongue Twister
Beiträge: 31
Registriert: 29. Mär 2004 16:45
Wohnort: Bautzen

Beitrag von Rain4higado »

*hehe* Prima, mit den Tipps bin ich einverstanden und werde sie noch hinzufügen und den einen Satz werd ich auch streichen. Vielen Dank, das war wirklich eine große Hilfe. :D

Noch eine kleine Frage zu einem Satz: America’s charm and the attraction went out. Kann man das so sagen? Also das der Charm etc. von Amerika verloren gegangen ist?
Ganz liebe Grüße, Chrissy
A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night (Sting - dead man's rope)

Anachronist
Frequent Typer
Beiträge: 148
Registriert: 18. Aug 2004 16:05

Beitrag von Anachronist »

Jup, sollte ok sein. Aber auch hier würd ich empfehlen zu präzisieren in welcher Hinsicht der Charme ausging :)

Ich glaube ich hab nen tollen satz :D *hüstel, räusper

"Americas charme and attraction - as it was in times America had been being the New World - went out, when America became a Known World; or maybe a world just a little bit newer but not so much more different than the old ones."

Jörg
Im alten Rom war das Verderben der Jugend ein schwerwiegendes Vergehen - Heute ist es ein eigenständiger Industriezweig.

Rain4higado
Tongue Twister
Beiträge: 31
Registriert: 29. Mär 2004 16:45
Wohnort: Bautzen

Beitrag von Rain4higado »

Hey Jörg, hehe kann ich dir nur zustimmen. Der Satz gefällt mir auch sehr gut. Der wird sofort in mein Comment eingebunden :D :D
A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night (Sting - dead man's rope)

Rain4higado
Tongue Twister
Beiträge: 31
Registriert: 29. Mär 2004 16:45
Wohnort: Bautzen

Beitrag von Rain4higado »

*hehe* Nicht zensiert indem Sinne, dass es überarbeitet und geschnitten wird. Ich bekomme darauf eine Note.
A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night (Sting - dead man's rope)

Rain4higado
Tongue Twister
Beiträge: 31
Registriert: 29. Mär 2004 16:45
Wohnort: Bautzen

Beitrag von Rain4higado »

Ja, für die Schule. Bin in der 12.
A million footsteps, this left foot drags behind my right
But I keep walking, from daybreak 'til the falling night (Sting - dead man's rope)

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