People are never satisfied with what they have

[cashmere]

Hello,
I am applying for Toefl but my writting skills are not good, I tried to write an essay and I would appreciate if you could correct it.
Thanks for your help.

1) Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People are never satisfied with what they have; they always want something more or something different. Use specific reasons to support your answer.

These whole world is built on very strong marketing, industrial and commercial companies transformed the world to big market. Every day we have a new product, advertising are everywhere. You receive them as mails, as texts, on TV, on packaging.Therefore people are now hard to be satisfied, whatever they have they want more or better product.
If you buy today an electronic product , the same company will release new version of the same product with more options after 4 months, so people want to get the new one because the one that they have will appear old with less options.
but is that the fault of the diversity of products or it is human nature. Some researcher believe it is due to our gene. we are always fascinated by what is new, what we don't have. and this is the base of our civilization. if human before millions year accepted and were satisfied by what they had that time, we would had never had all these technology and variety of product.

[LongBeach]

Dear Cashmere,
How many points will you need for an application? Many undergraduate studies in the US require 69 and up.
How much time do you have to get well-prepared?

YOURS: These whole world is built on very strong marketing, industrial and commercial companies transformed the world to big market.
IMPROVEMENT: This whole world has been built up on very strong marketing, industrial, and commercial based companies which have transformed the world into a big market. 

YOURS: Every day we have a new product, advertising are everywhere.
IMPROVEMENT: Everyday we are confronted with new products which are advertised everywhere,...

YOURS: You receive them as mails, as texts, on TV, on packaging.
IMPROVEMENT: ...either as letters in your mailbox, as commercial breaks on TV, or as flyers. (Wasn't sure what you meant by "packaging")

YOURS: Therefore people are now hard to be satisfied, whatever they have they want more or better product.
IMPROVEMENT: Therefore, it is a challenge to satisfy people nowadays because they would like to get more products with a higher quality.

YOURS: If you buy today an electronic product , the same company will release new version of the same product with more options after 4 months, so people want to get the new one because the one that they have will appear old with less options.
IMPROVEMENT: If you buy a new electronic device, it is likely that the same manufacturer will release a newer version of the same product within just a few months. People tend to feel the need to buy the updated version, because they think the previous version is already outdated and provides less comforts.

YOURS: but is that the fault of the diversity of products or it is human nature. 
IMPROVEMENT: But  who can be blamed? The huge product range or the consumers themselves?

YOURS: Some researcher believe it is due to our gene. we are always fascinated by what is new, what we don't have. 
IMPROVEMENT. It is up to our way of life. 

YOURS: if human before millions year accepted and were satisfied by what they had that time, we would had never had all these technology and variety of product.
IMPROVEMENT: And this way of life can be seen as an important motor of development: If there had been no will to buy newer products, our technological level would have not been the same.


Good luck!